On 'Daughters of Shame' by Jasvinder Sanghera

It is not often that I read a book and end up crying. I do not classify myself under emotionally volatile. It was with some scepticism that started to read Jasvinder Sanghera's 'Daughters of Shame'. I didn't know what to expect, to be honest. My mother brought it home one evening and asked me if I'd be interested in taking a look. I was aware of forced marriages and honour killings but I didn't think it happened anywhere beyond the uneducated remote village of rural India. To realise that it happens at such an alarmingly high rate in one of the most advanced A-List countries of the world (the United Kingdom) is quite probably a shock that I'm going to take a long time to recover from.

Daughters of Shame
by Jasvinder Sanghera

I had always taken a liking to the South Asians in the UK…thanks to all the pretty pictures painted of them in movies like 'Bride & Prejudice' or 'Bend it like Beckham'. I envied them their lifestyle, which to me was a beautiful blend of modernity and tradition. They all spoke English at home and hung out with their English friends but remembered to touch an elder's feet at family weddings or say 'Namaastey / Sat Sri Akaal / S'laam Aleikyum' in their inimitable westernised style which was, to me, incorrigibly and downright cute! Never once in my wildest dreams did I think that there was another side to this picture perfect society.

Jasvinder's book has been a real eye-opener (besides being a tear-jerker!) wherein she narrates tales of all those painfully young women that she and her team at Karma Nirvana have rescued (and some that she could not) from the throes of forced marriages, emotional blackmails and even from the brink of suicides or being killed in the name of honour. These girls went to English schools and mingled with western children. How can their families expect the influence of the school and their peers to bounce off their children? And these children are...well…children. And children are like sponges that absorb everything. Being from a very traditional Indian family myself, I can understand by what Jasvinder means when she emphasizes on the amount of importance a typical South Asian family gives to the concept of family honour. From the time I can remember, me and my sister were brought up with the idea firmly implanted within us that the honour of the family lied in our hands…being the women of the family. One wrong step and the name that has been upheld for generations by the women before us will come toppling down. But my family has been supportive of me in every step I have chosen for myself. My parents were of the opinion that both my sister and I were (and still are, of course) entitled to our opinions about what we wanted to do with our lives. As long as it does not tarnish the name of the family, it's fine. We both decided on our lines of career on our own. I chose engineering and my sister chose commerce. It was entirely our choice. Of course, we did consult with Dad and Mom though we knew their response would be 'if that's what you want, go on with it' J It was also my choice to get married only after I'd worked for a while, for which my parents were fully supportive (though it did raise quite a few eyebrows from the family elders ;-) ). It is no surprise that I consider myself and my sister to be truly blessed to have a family like ours.

I have grown to believe that marriage is a beautiful institution. A roller coaster ride, no doubt. But being forced to live with an individual I cannot stand the sight of or who is miles away from me emotionally and intellectually...it is indeed beyond my comprehension. Most families do not think about the personal choices of their children when they arrange marriages without their knowledge/consent. 'Heck! Who even thinks of them as 'persons'? They are only children. What do they know?' Oh yeah? Then why are you forcing 'children' to marry? 'We think only about their well-being' Wrong! Such families think only of either #1-->making their family socially elevated, or #2-->getting rid of a burden (read the girl child) or in some cases #3-->betterment of fortunes. Read more on the BBC site to know more about forced marriages and how vastly they differ from arranged marriages.

Family honour is one thing that is still extremely strong in our society and to be a part of it, we are bound to respect it, no matter what. Otherwise, we might as well consider ourselves to be out of family circles. If a family disowns a member, none of the other 'honourable' families in the society will accept that person into their midst for fear of being shamed themselves. This is a norm. Such 'social outcasts' (as they are usually referred to) usually ruin their lives in one way or the other. South Asian families are usually so close-knit that even if a son or daughter chooses to move out (whatever the reason), his/her soul still remains within the family. They yearn for the comfort and security of the family hearth. When they look around them, their western peers are all enjoying themselves with their freedom. They are far happier out of their homes and free of their family strings. South Asian youngsters wonder why they are not able to experience the same elation. Something always seems amiss. A feeling of being incomplete, perhaps. That is the power of family bonding. No matter what the quality of life is, these kids are far more 'normal' when they're 'home' rather than when they're out of it. Excessive freedom disturbs them, to be honest. They end up doing things they would never do otherwise…drugs, smoking, illicit relationships. Limitless freedom is handled in a different way by western and Asian societies. For western kids, it means knowing how to cook your own meals, managing finances, maintaining a place of your own…to be an independent individual in the purest sense of that word. But for South Asians, it means getting to do all the things they weren't allowed to do. Period.

I am not one to advocate harming in the name of honour. Heaven-forbid! But I just feel that it is wrong of families that bring up their children in western societies to expect that their children will have none of the foreign culture rubbed off them. In my opinion, children should be made aware of their culture right from the beginning. And a parent/elder should be at least so much informed that if the child questions a command, they shouldn't have to lose their temper and say '…because that is the way it should be! And you will not dare question me again!' just because they themselves do not know the answer. Every aspect of every culture and every rule laid down that is meant to be followed has a reason behind its creation. All it needs is a little understanding of scriptures and of course, a bit of common-sense. My faith also calls for us to abide to certain guidelines. But we are aware of the reasons why we are being asked to do it. And I'm talking about actual and factual reasons…not '…because that is the way it should be!' This makes it a lot easier to go with the flow rather than having a mind full of doubts and questions and a feeling that 'my faith is like shackles!' Every faith was founded on the basic foundation stones of mutual love, respect and a fear of God. No faith would want atrocities done on any of its followers or on others in its name. If a child is raised with a strong understanding of the faith he/she is born into, their culture is also moulded accordingly. They will learn to respect and uphold their cultural values because they want to and because they know why and not because they 'have to' or 'have no other choice'. Makes a world of a difference, you see :)

Please read 'Daughters of Shame'…you will not regret it :)