Year End Post:The summits and trenches of 2010 :-)

Hello all! Hope the esteemed intelligentsia of Blogosphere are having a fine day (and hope you'll make the most of what's left of it)! J

So…we're like at the fag end of 2010. 2010 is all weary and tired and almost done with its packing to leave…leaving us with memories of the days past, of things we learnt to do (and not to do...K), of the happy and sad (and Kodak™) moments we had. J  The whole world is in a feisty mood. Party preparations and invites and greetings are being sent out. Hearts and minds are filled with hope and aspirations for the coming year.  And I am no exception in this matter.

When I look back at the year that has passed, what I see is a potpourri. Like everyone else, I have had my own fair share of highs and lows. So, this post possibly being the last post of 2010 from me, I decided to have a re-run through 2010 and find out 10 things what I really liked about it J and what I didn't L.

Up in the Clouds!

1.   Got back to the blogging scene after a rather indecent hiatus. Like my little friend back home in India added in his New Year's wish, I hope in earnest that my 'den' doesn't 'accumulate moss any more' J

2.   Saw my University buddies in Chennai after a whopping 7 years! And we had a wonderful time together reliving all those lovely memories. Thank you guys for making it happen! Love you to bits! J

3.   Shed a few kilos:-D (yayyy!) though I had to (quite unwillingly) stay away from savouries and sweetmeats for a while. It was tough, no doubt…but definitely worth the effort J

4.   Got a new office and a whole lot of new responsibilities. Feeling suddenly all-important, y' know! J

5.   Saw 'Eclipse' online on Day 4 after its official premiere…a feat in itself as it had not come out in the theatres here in Doha. And by the time everybody had started ranting (panting, rather :-P) about the Cullen-Swan-Black saga, I was already done with my share of it. J

6.   Enjoyed the monsoons in India…and even managed to get drenched once J

7.   Visited Tirupati after like what? 19 years??? Got almost mauled by the crowd and emerged with quite a few black 'n' blue spots but the fraction of a second that we got darshan was just beautiful J

8.   Didn't break a single fingernail all year long! J

9.   After all the years of getting insulted at shoe shops for having feet like Big Foot, I got at least 7 to 8 pairs of snazzy footwear from Bangalore and elsewhere. J 'Boo' (sticks out tongue) to the stupid shops who said I have feet that are too big for my own good! Humph!

10. My New Year greetings were a huge hit and people made it a point to reply to my email and tell me that the idea was wonderful! Thank you, all! Y'all were worth it! Mwaah! xoxo J

Down in the Dumps!

1.   Way too many deaths…in the family and out of it. And each time it caused an emotional upheaval of sorts. Didn't like it. Period. L

2.   Couldn't make the High School Reunion thing happen. Had high hopes for it. But nuffink happened L

3.   Realised that buying an Apple I-Phone™ is just not for me. I might as well look around for some Nokia™ model L

4.   Also realised that a Sony™ Vaio® is precisely NOT the laptop that I will be buying for myself L

5.   Lost a kitten L She was snatched away from us by a $%^&^%%^%^&*&%^%$% male cat that lives nearby. He mercilessly killed it in a fight! Bloody *&*^%%$%&*^&^$%$#^%$!!! L

6.   Couldn't attend a training program that I so badly wanted to L

7.   Realised that no matter how hard I try, I'm never going to be able to weigh the same as I did during my University days L

8.   Learnt several lessons (in a rather hard way) that I should step-up my practice of the simple skill of 'SHUT UP', and when and where to use it L

9.   Got told off many a time for 'not behaving your age' L

10. Couldn't see Mohanlal in person. L He was supposed to come to a family wedding of mine that I was very much a part of. But he didn't turn up. L Darn!

So here's looking forward to the New Year with renewed hope and a whole lot of dreamsJ. Like the lyrics of the Tamil song goes 'if you see a hundred dreams, won't at least six of them come true?' J So, here's wishing all my dear friends and fellow bloggers a very happy New Year's Eve, a happening 'Stroke of Midnight', a fabulous New Year's Day and an absolutely wonderful year ahead! May the year 2011 be way better than any year you've had so far! J

Happiness always!

Take care, stay safe and God bless!

See y'all next year!

Ciao! xoxoxo J

On the concept of early marriages in older societies...food for thought!

It was a common practice in days of yore to marry off a girl when she was quite young. This practice has, more or less, come to a stop, though we do get to see quite a bit of it in certain rural parts of the world. The reasons why people opted for such a system are many. Firstly, to get rid of the 'burden' called the daughter. The presence of a girl in the family is always a cause for worry and tension. She is always susceptible to attack from heartless men and parents always have to be on their guard as long as she is with them.  As she advances towards adolescence, fears aggravate and the prime concern of the parents turns to handling over her responsibility to a stronger man who will be able to protect her. Maybe that was why very young girls were often married off to men almost twice their age! It was just a case of escapism on the part of the parents.

Secondly, if a girl was married off at an early age, she was very less likely to have any idea of a married life and even have any kind of expectation about her partner. She is as raw as wet clay. At this stage, she is easy to mould as per the whims and fancies of her husband. She would not have an opinion of her own. It was not commonplace in earlier times for women to venture out of their homes, unless for some social function like a wedding or so. So their world was confined to the four walls of their little home and their husband. Whatever the husband uttered was the rule of the world and she would not budge from it no matter of what happened. Such was the advantage of marrying a child. She grew up in the home of her husband and the man saw to it that he held absolute power over her…something like a parent has over a child. Do we not feel that whatever rules laid down by our elders are to be followed? (We may or not may not follow it ourselves….that is a personal issue) Nevertheless, we do realise that they are rules and those are the way things are supposed to be. Domestic rifts were very less in those days because the women had no opinions of their own. They blindly sided their husbands.

There was also the advantage of spending more childbearing years with the husband. Thus, in a society where womanhood was judged on the number of children borne, having as many children as possible was highly desirable. Families with twelve and fifteen children were quite common. More number of children was desired because in those days there were very few hospitals that tended to maternity cases. Most of the childbirths happened at home. There were no advanced medical facilities and everything was one big risk. Even the life of the child had no guarantee. Sometimes children died at birth. Some died a few days later. And some even after a couple of years. Though a woman may have given birth to twelve or fifteen children in her life, it was highly unlikely that all of them would have survived beyond the age of five. Usually, nine or ten made it through and they helped the family to grow in strength and riches.

A girl used to be imparted with the very basic education that is necessary to understand the daily needs of a household…a little of mathematics, a substantial amount of Sanskrit so that she may be able to understand the scriptures and a little of science. This went on until she came of marriageable age…, which used to like around ten or eleven. She was simultaneously given training in the household chores as well. So, by the time she was married, the child is adept in cooking, cleaning, etc. Of course, the more affluent families had maids accompanying the child to her in-laws' house. They were part of the bridal retinue. However, ordinary families had no such system. In this process, the children lost their childhood. A feeling that the purpose of their birth was to be the wife of someone was instilled into them from the day they are born. Emotional attachment to parents and siblings often died down after marriage.

But look at the changed world around us now. Though it is still widely said that 'it's a man's world' and women are often referred to as 'the weaker sex', one cannot overlook the fact that women have emerged as a powerful force. Today, they hold respectable positions in the armed forces, in large organisations, in renowned hospitals, everywhere. The prime reason for this is education. Marriage has easily become a secondary option in life. They do not consider the institution of marriage to be the sheer purpose of their birth as they did in earlier times. The marriageable age for a girl has moved up from ten or eleven to twenty five now. No educated man in his right senses would want to marry a child of eleven today. With rising inflation and for want of higher standards of living, every educated man would want his life-partner to be another shoulder to bear the family burden. She has moved down from being part of the burden to be one of the bearers of the burden. However, the beauty of the situation is that women are still given preferences everywhere. 'Ladies first' is something we hear repeatedly. In a case of eve teasing, the words of the woman are blindly trusted. Buses still have separate sections for women passengers (though this has changed in some metropolitan cities). It is a changing world out there.

We will all just have to wait and see how far it goes…

Nair society...about me and mine! :-)

Nair Society

Nairs…one of the most mysterious and intriguing sections of Keralite society. Though they may seem to be very simple folk, their history is not one that can be written off as being a very simple one. This little write-up attempts to peek into that very history.

The origin of Nairs is a subject of great dispute. Some say they are direct descendants of the Aryans who married into Dravidian families, accounting for their fairer skin colour. Some say that they are descendants of a warrior clan in Nepal. Others say that they are natives of south India who were awarded the title of Nair by the king. Let us start the story at the very beginning…from the birth of the beautiful land of Kerala.

Kerala wrenched from under the sea

Legend has it that settlers moved into the fertile Indian lands from the north. In the process, they pushed the native people southwards. The southern part of India became excessively crowded and reached a state when there was practically no place to stay. A few families rushed to Lord Parashurama and narrated to him their woes. He agreed to help and went with them to south India.

He saw that the land was indeed very crowded and prayed to Lord Varuna (the God of the sea) to give up some land from under the sea. The arrogant Varuna flatly denied and raged even more ferociously. Lord Parashurama, known for his quick temper, is said to have thrown his axe into the sea and pulled up a huge chunk of land. Thus Kerala was born. The people were very happy and moved in to the new land that Parashurama blessed them with and Parashurama went back to his abode.

Sometime later, the people came back wailing to Parashurama yet again. They complained that the land given to them was infested with snakes and had poisoned yellow soil and no crops would grow on it. Even the rivers were heavily poisoned and their cattle died in hundreds everyday. Parashurama decided to pay a visit to Vasuki, the king of snakes.

Vasuki welcomed him to his underworld kingdom with all due honour. Once seated, Parashurama asked him the reason why his subjects taunted the poor people who lived on the new land. Vasuki replied quite calmly that the piece of land that Parashurama had ploughed out was a piece of his kingdom and that it was the home of his subjects. How could he, being a righteous ruler, ask them to move out of their homes?

After a long discussion, they reached a mutual decision. Parashurama told Vasuki that if he ordered his subjects to remove the poison from the land, he would see to it that he and his subjects were always revered and provided for by the people of the land. Should they fail to do so, Vasuki was free to order his subjects to punish them. However, they should leave the land alone. This proposition was acceptable to Vasuki and orders were immediately given to remove all poison from the land.

When Parashurama went back, he called forth the heads of sixty-five aristocratic families, imparted to them the ritualistic methods of doing Naga puja, and ordered them to have a shrine for the Nagas in each of their homes. This was duly done and all poison was withdrawn from the land. Kerala became one of the most fertile areas in the world. Crops thrived and people became very wealthy.

The sixty-five families that Parashurama chose are the sixty-five aristocratic Nair families of today…the so-called Kiriyath Nairs. Such snake shrines can be seen in the family homes of these Nairs even today. And the rituals are still performed with all respect. Every temple in Kerala will have a shrine dedicated to the snakes. This is tradition. But the reason for this tradition is what is narrated above.

These shrines are kept as natural as possible. They are usually circular bunds made of stone beneath an oak tree. None of the wilderness is ever cleared, save for the treading path. This is to ensure that the snakes feel at home in their natural surroundings. These shrines are usually located a little away from the house so that there is very little disturbance to its slithering inhabitants. A lamp is religiously lit at twilight every evening. Some families even have the custom of offering a saucer of milk everyday, though it has been proved by reptile specialists that snakes cannot drink milk. The traditions are still held on to very strongly.

That was the story of how strongly bonded the Nair society is with the very existence of the land of Kerala.

Nairs-The fearless warriors

Nairs were famed far and wide for their valour and hot tempers. They occupied the highest positions in the king's army. The traditional martial art form of Kerala, the Kalaripayattu, was an art taught solely to Nairs. No other sub division of society were permitted to learn it. The Kalaris, or practice grounds, were never in open areas for public view. They were always closed enclosures either within the teacher's home or in a specially made basement with sanded floors. Women were also given training in Kalaripayattu up to a certain level. Unlike other sections of society, Nairs were and still primarily are a matriarchal society. Women are the family heads. The reason for this difference will be discussed in the next section. Besides Kalaripayattu, the Thiruvathira Kali, a slow and graceful dance form of Kerala, was only allowed to be performed by the Nair women. The festival of Thiruvathira was celebrated almost solely by them. On this day, believed to be the day of the birth of Lord Shiva, Nair women prepared special dishes, refrained from eating rice, tattooed their hands with henna, chewed on betel leaves and played on swings. It was entirely their festival. It is said that married women celebrated this festival for the long life of their husbands and unmarried girls did so to  be blessed with a husband as glorious as Lord Shiva.

Occupations

As mentioned earlier, the Nairs were a warrior clan and almost 90% of them joined the king's army. The other 10% remained as merchants or ministers. There was no other occupation open to them. They all had huge expanses of land under farming but they just remained as overlords. Their vassals who belonged to the lower sections of society did the actual farming.

These vassals were practically owned by the families. They worked with them for generations and were paid in kind. They were an extremely loyal lot and would even give up their lives for their master. They received their daily food from their masters' houses. If they were in need of any help, like say marrying off their daughter, the master's family took care of all expenses and married off the girl. It was a comfortable arrangement. Things changed when communism came into the picture.

Nair women

This segment should form one of the most interesting reads of the entire article. If one has ever been to a Nair wedding, he would certainly notice how relatively short the wedding is and the obvious absence of a priest. In all other sections of society and around the world, in general, a marriage is not solemnised without the presence of a priest. It is not so amongst Nairs.

The life of a Nair warrior was always at the feet of the king. They were something like the Samurai warriors of Japan. they never returned from a battle defeated. Either they took lives or gave up theirs. There was practically no guarantee for the life of a Nair warrior. But the clan must go on. So they just had to marry.

Marriages in those days was an awfully simple affair. On a pre-fixed auspicious day, the groom would come to the house of the bride, present her with a new cloth (kodi/pudava) which was usually a pair of the two piece garment worn by Nair women, and take her away to his home. This was the entire marriage! The inclusion of tying a sacred thread around the neck of the bride is a relatively recent development. All other rituals seen in modern day marriages are due to influences from surrounding states. The girl was brought back to her home on the third day after the wedding and the groom went back to his home immediately. Thereafter, the groom would visit her whenever he pleased but his permanent residence was always at his maternal home. The children born out of this relationship were given the family name of their mother.

Nair men almost never stayed faithful to their wives. They were known to be extremely handsome men. They would have mistresses in and around their hometown and even in distant lands where they went to battle. Women also seldom stayed on the better side of the moral divide. The long absences of their husbands facilitated this. This fact is further strengthened by looking a little closer at the architecture of ancient Nair family homes.

Almost all houses had bedrooms with two doors-one that opened into the house and the other that opened to the outside. It is said that the latter were used by both men and women of the house to let in their secret lovers. So, the concept of a child belonging to the father's family was immaterial. Because, shameful though it may be, the fiery Nair women often slept with more than one man. And being the fearless daughter of a warrior herself, she did not consider it necessary to discuss the fatherhood of her child with the world.

So the children were given the maternal family name. They had practically no ties with their father or his family. They belonged to their mother's family. In their father's family, they were outsiders. All these infidelity issues changed gradually with the onset of social policing. But the tradition of family name still remains the same. Today, a Nair child may have his father's name as his surname. But when he is asked for his family name, it is his mother's family name that belongs to him and not his father's.

Nairs and property

The property of a Nair man was never inherited by his children. It was distributed amongst the children of his sisters. This distribution was also not equal. The major share of the property was given to the females of the house. The men inherited only a small share.

The family home usually went to the eldest daughter, though in later and more recent times, that is given to the youngest son. The heirloom jewellery, which were usually passed down from generation to generation, was equally distributed amongst the women. None of it went to the men.

The one really good thing about this system was that the women who inherited precious things like ancient furniture and jewellery would have been seeing it from their childhood and knew how much they were worth and what they meant to the family. Quite unlike the viewpoint of a woman who has married into the family. No matter how hard the family tries, she would never really understand the true worth of the family's most prized possessions.

The men did get rights over some furniture, though the best of those too went to the women. This property divide remained strong until the Hindu Property Act was brought about in the early 70s.

Nairs in the 21^st century

A lot has changed since those days. Today's Nairs are a lot less like their flamboyant ancestors. And many of them do not even wish to be reminded of the lifestyle their predecessors led, for fear of being socially shunned. But I feel that there is nothing to be ashamed of in recollecting the life of your ancestors. They lived a life that suited their lifestyle and era. We have no reason to lead a life like that today. But we must never forget the way we came nor our glorious past. What remain today are mere remnants of the valorous society that was. For instance…

·         The system of giving the maternal family name to children

·         The absence of a priest in a wedding

·         The custom of bringing back the bride on the third day after marriage

·         The never dying community spirit

·         The permanent urge to succeed in every endeavour

·         The desperation that surfaces in the unlikely event of a failure

Long live the Nair race! Long live Nagavamsam!

P.S.: Much of what I have written are things I have grown up hearing from my family elders. I come from an ancient Nair family that hails from Tripunithura in Ernakulam district of Kerala but traces its origins to Aazhvanchery in Northern Malabar. The customs and systems I have explained may/may not be true for families in the Travancore area of Kerala.

Romulus & Krishna...a strange case of similarity!

I came across this new term called 'Self Fulfilling Prophecy' today. My best friend Wikipedia defines it thus… "A self-fulfilling prophecy is a prediction that directly or indirectly causes it to become true, by the very terms of the prophecy itself, due to positive feedback between belief and behavior."  This means to say that something when declared as the truth, in spite of it being false in actuality, "may sufficiently influence people, either through fear or logical confusion, so that their reactions ultimately fulfill the once-false prophecy". (Courtesy: Wikipedia)

There are many instances of this in mythology. And two of the most famous ones are found in Indian and Roman mythologies. They are those of the brothers Remus and Romulus and of Krishna and Balarama. Now, let's come to the point. Reading through their stories, I found similarities that were too obvious to ignore. Here, I take the liberty of making some comparisons, with lots of help from Wikipedia! J

The myth is about two brothers – Krishna & Balarama	The myth is about two brothers – Remus & Romulus
The king Kamsa, Devaki's brother, had ascended the throne of Mathura by imprisoning his father, King Ugrasena. Afraid of a prophecy that predicted his death at the hands of Devaki's eighth son, Kamsa had the couple locked into a prison cell. After Kamsa killed the first six children, and Devaki's apparent miscarriage of the seventh (which was actually a secret transfer of the infant to Rohini's (Vasudev's first wife) womb as Balarama), Krishna was born. According to Bhagavata Purana it is believed that Krishna was born without a sexual union, by "mental transmission" from the mind of Vasudev into the womb of Devaki. Hindus believe that in that time, this type of union was possible for achieved beings. So, the fatherhood of Krishna is not biological in its purest sense.	Plutarch presents Romulus and Remus' ancient descent from prince Aeneas, fugitive from Troy after its destruction by the Greeks. Their maternal grandfather is his descendant Numitor, who inherits the kingship of Alba Longa. Numitor's brother Amulius inherits its treasury, including the gold brought by Aeneas from Troy. Amulius uses his control of the treasury to dethrone Numitor, but fears that Numitor's daughter, Rhea Silvia will bear children who could overthrow him. Amulius forces Rhea Silvia to perpetual virginity as a Vestal priestess, but she bears children anyway. In one variation of the story, Mars, god of war, seduces and impregnates her: in another, Amulius himself seduces her, and in yet another, Hercules. The fatherhood of the children is not confirmed. The king sees his niece's pregnancy and confines her. She gives birth to twin boys of remarkable beauty; her uncle orders her death and theirs. One account holds that he has Rhea buried alive – the standard punishment for Vestal Virgins who violated their vow of celibacy – and orders the death of the twins by exposure; both means would avoid his direct blood-guilt. In another, he has Rhea and her twins thrown into the River Tiber.
The infant Krishna was carried in a basket on the head of his father Vasudev across a raging River Yamuna (that is said to have parted in the middle to make way for the Lord to pass unharmed) on the stormy night that He was born.	In all versions of the myth, a servant is charged with the deed of killing the twins, but cannot bring himself to harm them. He places them in a basket and leaves it on the banks of the Tiber. The river rises in flood and carries the twins downstream, unharmed.
Their foster father Nanda was the Chief of a cowherd clan called the Yadavas. Their foster mother was Yashodha.	A shepherd of Amulius named Faustulus discovers them and takes them to his hut, where he and his wife Acca Larentia raise them as their own children.
The children grew up as cowherds.	The twins grew up as shepherds.
They overthrew their vile uncle the king Kamsa and restored the throne to their grandfather King Ugrasena. They also freed their parents from the dungeon where they had been imprisoned.	They came into conflict with the shepherds of Amulius, leading to battles in which Remus was captured and taken to Amulius, under the accusation of being a thief. Their identity was discovered. Romulus raised a band of shepherds to liberate his brother; Amulius was killed and Romulus and Remus were conjointly offered the crown. They refused it while their grandfather lived, and refused to live in the city as his subjects. They restored Numitor as king, paid due honours to their mother Rhea and left to found their own city, accompanied by a motley band of fugitives, runaway slaves, and any who want a second chance in a new city with new rulers.
Krishna established the city of Dwaraka	Romulus established the city of Rome

Strange…but true! J

Week 51 of 2010-Things I learnt!

1. Qatar is the nation with the highest GDP (PPP) as per 2010 records of the International Monetary Fund with a score of 88,232 International Dollars!!! Beat that! (Ahem! India is at Position#127 with a GDP of Intl.$ 3,290)
2. Tamil Superstar and Ex-Chief Minister of Tamil Nadu Late M. G. Ramachandran (MGR) had three wives – Thangamani alias Bhargavi, Sathananthavathi and V. N. Janaki (who divorced her then husband Ganapathi Bhat to marry MGR)…ugh! :-/
3. Malayalam Actor Vineeth is a nephew of the famous Travancore Sisters – Lalitha, Ragini & Padmini – and a cousin of danseuse and actress Shobhana… now we know where the dancing grace was inherited from!
4. Actor Kamal Hassan is not just an accomplished actor and dancer but he is also a poet par excellence. His poem from 'Manmadhan Ambu' testifies this very fact.
5. The colour of Microsoft Office 2007 work background can be changed from the normal and ordinary pale blue to silver or black! I've changed mine to black and it looks just WOW! :-D
6. There are more than 1000 heirs to the throne of England in line of succession! :-S Jeez!
7. The best way to ward off a boisterous intruder is to be very matter of fact with him. Sometimes a plain and straight-faced 'NO' said right into his face would suffice! ;-)
8. It is extremely uncomfortable trying to chop frozen veggies during winter! x-(
9. Chinese bamboo plants should not be left without water for even a day.
10. It's not a good idea to wear high heeled shoes to Katara (Qatar's Cultural Village). The pavement is all natural stone! :-S
11. There are a disturbingly high number of forced marriages and honour based killings in the UK. Didn't know (and wouldn't have known) anything of the sort had it not been for Jasvinder Sanghera's 'Daughters of Shame'…a definite must-read for every woman.
12. Good photography doesn't always require an expensive camera. All it needs is a good eye :)
13. It's not only me who has 'Gamil' days…as in those days when I keep typing 'Gamil' instead of Gmail! Duh! :-/
14. Never follow cooking instructions 100% exactly as per recipes. They never come out perfect! x-(
15. The Eazhava community of Kerala are believed to be descendants of Buddhist settlers from Sri Lanka (Eezham):-o
16. Sometimes it feels good to stay quiet :) and sometimes not x-(

On 'Daughters of Shame' by Jasvinder Sanghera

It is not often that I read a book and end up crying. I do not classify myself under emotionally volatile. It was with some scepticism that started to read Jasvinder Sanghera's 'Daughters of Shame'. I didn't know what to expect, to be honest. My mother brought it home one evening and asked me if I'd be interested in taking a look. I was aware of forced marriages and honour killings but I didn't think it happened anywhere beyond the uneducated remote village of rural India. To realise that it happens at such an alarmingly high rate in one of the most advanced A-List countries of the world (the United Kingdom) is quite probably a shock that I'm going to take a long time to recover from.

Daughters of Shame
by Jasvinder Sanghera

I had always taken a liking to the South Asians in the UK…thanks to all the pretty pictures painted of them in movies like 'Bride & Prejudice' or 'Bend it like Beckham'. I envied them their lifestyle, which to me was a beautiful blend of modernity and tradition. They all spoke English at home and hung out with their English friends but remembered to touch an elder's feet at family weddings or say 'Namaastey / Sat Sri Akaal / S'laam Aleikyum' in their inimitable westernised style which was, to me, incorrigibly and downright cute! Never once in my wildest dreams did I think that there was another side to this picture perfect society.

Jasvinder's book has been a real eye-opener (besides being a tear-jerker!) wherein she narrates tales of all those painfully young women that she and her team at Karma Nirvana have rescued (and some that she could not) from the throes of forced marriages, emotional blackmails and even from the brink of suicides or being killed in the name of honour. These girls went to English schools and mingled with western children. How can their families expect the influence of the school and their peers to bounce off their children? And these children are...well…children. And children are like sponges that absorb everything. Being from a very traditional Indian family myself, I can understand by what Jasvinder means when she emphasizes on the amount of importance a typical South Asian family gives to the concept of family honour. From the time I can remember, me and my sister were brought up with the idea firmly implanted within us that the honour of the family lied in our hands…being the women of the family. One wrong step and the name that has been upheld for generations by the women before us will come toppling down. But my family has been supportive of me in every step I have chosen for myself. My parents were of the opinion that both my sister and I were (and still are, of course) entitled to our opinions about what we wanted to do with our lives. As long as it does not tarnish the name of the family, it's fine. We both decided on our lines of career on our own. I chose engineering and my sister chose commerce. It was entirely our choice. Of course, we did consult with Dad and Mom though we knew their response would be 'if that's what you want, go on with it' J It was also my choice to get married only after I'd worked for a while, for which my parents were fully supportive (though it did raise quite a few eyebrows from the family elders ;-) ). It is no surprise that I consider myself and my sister to be truly blessed to have a family like ours.

I have grown to believe that marriage is a beautiful institution. A roller coaster ride, no doubt. But being forced to live with an individual I cannot stand the sight of or who is miles away from me emotionally and intellectually...it is indeed beyond my comprehension. Most families do not think about the personal choices of their children when they arrange marriages without their knowledge/consent. 'Heck! Who even thinks of them as 'persons'? They are only children. What do they know?' Oh yeah? Then why are you forcing 'children' to marry? 'We think only about their well-being' Wrong! Such families think only of either #1-->making their family socially elevated, or #2-->getting rid of a burden (read the girl child) or in some cases #3-->betterment of fortunes. Read more on the BBC site to know more about forced marriages and how vastly they differ from arranged marriages.

Family honour is one thing that is still extremely strong in our society and to be a part of it, we are bound to respect it, no matter what. Otherwise, we might as well consider ourselves to be out of family circles. If a family disowns a member, none of the other 'honourable' families in the society will accept that person into their midst for fear of being shamed themselves. This is a norm. Such 'social outcasts' (as they are usually referred to) usually ruin their lives in one way or the other. South Asian families are usually so close-knit that even if a son or daughter chooses to move out (whatever the reason), his/her soul still remains within the family. They yearn for the comfort and security of the family hearth. When they look around them, their western peers are all enjoying themselves with their freedom. They are far happier out of their homes and free of their family strings. South Asian youngsters wonder why they are not able to experience the same elation. Something always seems amiss. A feeling of being incomplete, perhaps. That is the power of family bonding. No matter what the quality of life is, these kids are far more 'normal' when they're 'home' rather than when they're out of it. Excessive freedom disturbs them, to be honest. They end up doing things they would never do otherwise…drugs, smoking, illicit relationships. Limitless freedom is handled in a different way by western and Asian societies. For western kids, it means knowing how to cook your own meals, managing finances, maintaining a place of your own…to be an independent individual in the purest sense of that word. But for South Asians, it means getting to do all the things they weren't allowed to do. Period.

I am not one to advocate harming in the name of honour. Heaven-forbid! But I just feel that it is wrong of families that bring up their children in western societies to expect that their children will have none of the foreign culture rubbed off them. In my opinion, children should be made aware of their culture right from the beginning. And a parent/elder should be at least so much informed that if the child questions a command, they shouldn't have to lose their temper and say '…because that is the way it should be! And you will not dare question me again!' just because they themselves do not know the answer. Every aspect of every culture and every rule laid down that is meant to be followed has a reason behind its creation. All it needs is a little understanding of scriptures and of course, a bit of common-sense. My faith also calls for us to abide to certain guidelines. But we are aware of the reasons why we are being asked to do it. And I'm talking about actual and factual reasons…not '…because that is the way it should be!' This makes it a lot easier to go with the flow rather than having a mind full of doubts and questions and a feeling that 'my faith is like shackles!' Every faith was founded on the basic foundation stones of mutual love, respect and a fear of God. No faith would want atrocities done on any of its followers or on others in its name. If a child is raised with a strong understanding of the faith he/she is born into, their culture is also moulded accordingly. They will learn to respect and uphold their cultural values because they want to and because they know why and not because they 'have to' or 'have no other choice'. Makes a world of a difference, you see :)

Please read 'Daughters of Shame'…you will not regret it :)

30th Birthday special :-)

Tomorrow is my birthday. The birthday I'd been eagerly waiting for. My 30^th! :) I hope it will be a happy day… just as happy yesterday was. Yesterday was my 'Malayalam' birthday. It wasn't very eventful (my birthdays usually never are) but I liked it nonetheless. I generally feel happy during this time of the year… December. Everybody is in a festive mood and the weather is also so nice. Not to forget all those birthdays and anniversaries and Christmas! And my birthday is the day when my happiness usually reaches its zenith… and I'm pretty sure it's that way for everyone on their birthdays.

But this time around, my birthday is definitely happier than my previous ones. Tomorrow I will complete what could possibly have been one of the worst decades of my life… the 'Terrible Twenties' I'd like to call it! Women generally start hiding and lying about their age when/after they hit their 30s. I don't think I'll ever do that. I'd be proud to say I am a thirty-something. What's the big deal anyway? The way women put it, it might seem they're in their sixties or seventies! Duh!

In my opinion, the thirties are when a person (both men and women) is regarded with some amount of serious respect when they say something or take decisions. During the teens, people are simply growing up both physically and emotionally. The person you saw/heard a week ago may not be the person you see/hear a week later. An undecided and confused lot. But they're quite busy growing up (and of course most are in school), you see, to actually give much thought to the deeper aspects of life. Decisions pertaining to life taken at this age are mostly regretted at some later point of life. They are not to blame for their brazenness. It's just the age.

The flashy and exuberant twenties roll in next. This is when people discover and get used to themselves and the new adult they have metamorphosed into. A feeling of endless power engulfs all other emotions. A typical twenty-something is bubbling with energy, is educated, is physically fully grown (read 'beautiful') and has access to money (either own finances or those of parents). So the 'endless power' factor comes in. They have a feeling that the world is under their feet. I'd like to call this decade as an educational one. This is the time when people experiment with themselves and their emotions. At the end of the twenties, people usually become completely aware of their strengths, weaknesses and limitations. This awareness is a direct or indirect result of making a whole lot of mistakes, taking risks, falling in traps (falling in love too ;-) ), undergoing and understanding the true meaning and impact of a 'heartbreak', realizing the extremities of their mood swings and blame 'the system' for everything :)

The decade ahead (or even more, for that matter), i.e. the thirties, is meant for actually putting into practical use all the things we learnt from the past decade…usually what we learnt from our mistakes. I have oft noticed that people in their thirties are usually (barring a few exceptions ;-)) more complacent, forgiving and have more knowledge about the 'ways of the world' than their younger counterparts. Being there myself now, I can understand why. And yet, they are not so old that a generation gap springs up on its own. It's a 'no-man's land' between the young and the old. They are able to connect with and understand the younger generation; they can also comprehend the eccentricities and weird ideologies of the older generation…making them acceptable in both societies. This may or may not be correct. It's just my perspective :)

Anyway, Happy 30^th Birthday to me! :)

Facebook friendships & Mobile profiles :-P

I found this rather uncanny similarity between mobile profiles and the relationships we maintain with our Facebook friends… especially if we're talking about Facebook accounts with 400 or 500+ friends…like mine, for instance  :-D he he!

·         General

This is the most common way we maintain relationships. You notice a recent profile update and you go on the fellow's wall and post "Hey there, dude/babe! Whassup? Long tym!" and then the guy/girl replies with their most civil reply. And then you don't give a damn if you don't keep in touch with each other for the next six months!  This is something like exchanging pleasantries. A social obligation of sorts.

·         Silent

There may be people on your buddy list that you are not really comfortable with but can't remove from your friends' list either. This usually happens with family and extended relations and of course a few 'friends'. People you are sure to run into often or at some point every now and then. If they are removed, you will be in a terribly embarrassing situation the next time you meet. Further explanation not necessary, I assume. It is with such people that we maintain a 'silent' approach. Pretend that we do not see their status updates and take care never to tag them or comment on their photographs, no matter how tempted we may be.

·         Loud / Outdoor

This is how you are with your closest chums. Daily 'walling', daily commenting on photographs, tagging, messaging, chatting, offline friendships, and so on. These are the people who are the reason you are actually on Facebook in the first place or people who share exactly the same wavelength and/or interests as you do.

·         Discreet / Meeting

This is a very specific and rare way of keeping relationships, usually seen when one or both parties have (usually) romantic or some other motive behind keeping the relationship under wraps. In this type, there is meagre or literally no public communication. No posting on walls and no tagging. Messaging and chatting happens almost everyday but everything is done in private. We don't want to give ideas to prying eyes on our buddy lists do we? ;-)

·         My Style / Custom

This is usually with one or two people on your buddy list with whom you have to apply one of the above four at different times…depending on the situation, your mindsets at the time, etc. This is usually with people you are exceptionally close with… a spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend, a sibling or a best friend.

The age-old Cochin-Travancore feud!

This was something I have grown up hearing about, though I was never sure whether to believe the stories or not. Hailing from Tripunithura, which was the capital city of the erstwhile Kingdom of Cochin, I have been raised never to trust anybody from 'down-south', as they put it :-) Today, as I was reading up on an old article about Kathakali, I was surprised by what I found. Copy-pasting an excerpt of the write-up,with all respects to the author.

It is interesting to note that back then, there were clear dividing lines between north and south Kerala! "The Cochinites do not take kindly to the Travancoreans. There is an age-old feud between these two parts of Kerala. The Cochin folk are cleverer than their neighbours, and therefore more cunning; but the Travancoreans are a more generous and brave people. Cochin women are famous for their beauty and the Travancorean men are jealous of this in their hearts of hearts!"  
"And this petty jealousy and provincial feeling colour subtly all that they say and do and extend themselves to the art of Kathakali. The Travancoreans think that their presentation of this art is the best and the most classical; the Cochin dancers do not even bother to listen to such foolish claims!" This, thus, was the level of and approach to dance writing in that era.  
"There is no doubt whatsoever that Kathakali as practised and presented in Cochin is purer in form, richer in abhinaya and more elaborate in technique. These differences do exist and it is observed by competent critics." 

Source: http://www.narthaki.com/info/tdhc/tdhc1.html

I couldn't help but smile. But it indeed is strange yet true that the age-old feud still lives on in every Cochinite's and Travancorean's mind. Whether they say so openly or not depends on their personal choice, though.I used to wonder...why are they being branded like this? It's like,"Is he/she from 'down-south'?Be careful with him/her!You never know when they will strike!" :-D

Do such geographical character divides exist elsewhere too?Is it based on the genetic make-up of the people in that area? But what about inter-territorial marriages and their off-springs?What with so many marriages happening without keeping the Cochin-Travancore divide in mind, isn't it about time that the characteristics got distributed a bit? It is said back home that if a person from Malabar/Cochin chooses to settle down in Travancore, with time, he/she begins to behave like a Travancorean too! Go figure! ;-)

Sound of Silence

Communication….a heavy word, indeed. And a most important one when it comes to any relationship. I wonder really as to how many relationships would have gone under the axe owing to miscommunication and/or lack of communication. Not all individuals are born with the natural gift to express themselves precisely in the way they intended to. Their words may come out raw and uncut, usually hurting the other person to such an extent that an argument/quarrel becomes inevitable.

After a couple of such instances, one or both individuals prefer to remain silent for fear of kick starting yet another row. From what I have heard from many couples and from a bit of personal experience, I can say that it's always healthy to speak your mind out rather than build up ideas within oneself. This is particularly helpful at the start of a relationship as that is when two individuals who are complete strangers decide to spend the rest of their lives together.

What one says might not necessarily be what the other comprehends and misunderstandings are bound to happen. Both people ought to decide to build a relationship in which neither of them is expected to deliver only sweet-talk. It may lead to several difficult situations in the beginning but it'll surely pave the way for a beautiful future ahead wherein, neither will even have to verbally say something for the other to understand what they are trying to tell them. They both learn to adjust and live according to the likes of the partner without themselves realizing it. That's the power of love…the power of the bond of trust

Then there are times when a partner is expected to behave in a certain way... "Hasn't he/she understood me?Do I have to tell him/her everything? Let him feel for himself and do it...why should I tell him/her?"...Usual trains of thought. But the couple do not realise that they have not grown up together to understand each other's likes and dislikes so distinctly. They are new to each other and need each other's help to know more about one another. "But this is only a normal thing for him/her to know...all the husbands/wives I know do like that without having to be told to!" First wrong step....NEVER COMPARE!You will only be met with disappointment. The human mind has a tendency to always look up to something that they do not possess...in the process,conveniently neglecting what they do possess. Not all people are alike. Along with a majority,there also exists a minority. And they are not aliens! It is possible that they possess characteristics that are unique to them. Appreciate them for they are and what they do...instead of chiding them for what they are not. There is always room for improvement...but constantly nagging them will only worsen things. Here comes communication again. Tell your partner what you expect of him/her.Unless you do (and unless he/she has mystic powers to read your mind) how would they know? There is no loss of dignity in saying what you want...and in particular to a person who is going to be with you for the rest of your life.

Just my thought!  J